Worshipping God Without Religion

It’s interesting that I I’ve been greatly interested in the process of self-discipline over the years, yet don’t do enough to bring it to fruition. I found a book and website online tonight, devoted to the idea of worshipping God without religion, and focusing instead on Pranayama, (sense-introversion) – the ancient science of self-mastery. The book is called God Without Religion by Sankara Saranam, creator of the Pranayama Institute.

I believe that even at a young age, I realized that religion divides humanity more than it unites it. Although I love Jesus Christ, the Great Crusades remind me of the blood loss in his name that was useless. A religion based on love killed hundreds of thousands in order to spread its own agenda. I cannot honestly believe that this was what God intended.

Let’s get back to the idea of self-mastery. My desire has been to control my thoughts, my emotions, and my desires. To steer my life in the direction my soul wants it to go no matter what gets in the way. Yet I know that outside circumstances sometimes happen for a reason, I still believe we can make our dreams come true no matter what gets in the way. For me, the things getting in the way are pain, guilt, and loss.

I still write obviously, but not enough. I’ve recently realized that the more time I spend with people, the better I am spiritually. Although this may come as a surprise, I believe I am the proverbial “psychic or energy vampire,” not the kind that feeds off blood (obviously ew) but the kind that feeds off the energy of others. This can explain why when I am alone for days on end I become introverted, depressed, lonely, and give up on life. When Keith is home obviously I’m better. It also explains why I feel great when I write at night. Even if he isn’t awake, he is here. His energy is still here. His is the ultimate energy for me, but of course I don’t want to drain him of all of it. I don’t believe I do (and neither does he) but would either of us know it if it happened?

Mastering myself now requires the admission of my need for human interaction. How can I attain that when I cannot work, do not have a car, and live too far from the people regularly in my life? Is there a big brother or sister program for adults? Someone who visits the disabled no matter what their age is? Then again I am sure friends would visit more (maybe family? Would they) if I invited them, but I don’t do it often enough because my home is not as straightened as I want it to be. It isn’t where I want it to be because I simply don’t have enough strength to make that happen. I won’t ask Keith to do it because I feel he does more than enough for us already. So, the cost is great. If I clean and work on projects I run the risk of not being able to move for days on end, needing Keith to even help me to the restroom let alone out of bed. I won’t be able to write, or visit with people. It’s a double-edged sword.

I know I need help. I’ll never ask for it. I won’t accept it either. I’m just going to have to live in my loving prison until I figure out another way to live. At least God is here, and He doesn’t care about the mess.